Brenna's Birthday

I can’t believe that just over three weeks ago I was lying in a hospital bed, wondering if we would have a baby by the end of the day.  I started writing about Brenna’s Birthday exactly one week after she was born, but couldn’t finish because I kept crying.  I’ve come back to it a few times and I still get choked up when I think about it in detail, but I’ve finally finished writing everything down.  Looking back, I realize just how stressful of a day it was and how easily it could have turned into a panic stricken, world-turned-upside-down day.  But it didn’t. 

At about 6:30 on Wednesday morning I woke up and thought, “I’m leaking something” and went to the bathroom to find my shorts soaked in blood.  I was strangely calm and called for Chris.  We quickly changed our clothes, brushed our teeth, and were off to the hospital. 

The first couple of hours were full of activity, doctors and nurses checking me, asking long series of questions, taking blood samples, and monitoring Brenna.  When we found out that Brenna was okay, we instantly relaxed a little bit and settled in when they said I wouldn’t be going anywhere soon.  After four pokes and two nurses’ attempts (one from the IV team), I got an IV and they started me on fluids.  An ultrasound was ordered to see if they could find the source of the bleeding.  It was also at this point that I was told that I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything because there was a chance that I would be taken in for an emergency cesarean and I couldn’t have anything in my stomach if they had to put me under anesthesia.  At 8:30 this didn’t seem like too big of a deal, but it ended up being one of the hardest parts of the day.

Just before 11:00 we were moved into a more “comfortable” room in labor and delivery.  I know it was just before 11:00 because we were excited to have not missed The Price Is Right.  Poor Chris hadn’t eaten anything all morning either, so he was finally able to order some breakfast.  Then, the long wait started.  I was hooked up to an IV in my right hand, my left hand had a blood oxygen monitor, there were two bands strapped around my stomach – one monitoring Brenna’s heart and one monitoring my contractions, and I had these electric pressure cuff things on both of my calves to help with circulation since I was confined to my bed.  So, literally my whole body was attached to some kind of machine.  I tried not to think about how uncomfortable I was, but after about 8 or 9 hours of not eating or drinking, being hooked up to everything and lying on my back for the majority of the time, I got pretty cranky and irritable.  We were just waiting.  For a while we didn’t even know what we were waiting for.  Just waiting and being hungry.  Sometime during the afternoon we found out that I wasn’t going to be released unless my contractions stopped, which I didn’t really even know I was having.  The doctor said that my uterus was reacting to blood in the amniotic fluid so that was why it was so active.  Now we were waiting for either my contractions to stop or for something else to happen that would mean c-section right away.  That meant still no food or water. 

Because I had been lying on my back most of the day, I was trying to change positions to get more comfortable, which proved quite difficult with all the wires and tubes attached, but a couple of times I did get more comfortable only to have the nurse come in and say that I needed to move because Brenna’s heart rate had dropped with me sitting that way.  So, around 6:30 I was lying on my side, having Chris give me a back rub when I felt a pop/snap low in my abdomen and sharp pains followed almost immediately.  Shortly after, the day nurse came in with the nurse taking over for the night shift to do a run-down of everything that had happened.  They were discussing my case while I was trying to explain that something had happened and would they please check to see if I was bleeding.  In came the resident doctor from the day and the resident doctor taking over the next shift.  Again, I said something had happened and the night-shift resident took one look and said my water had broken and the fluid was full of blood.

It was about 7:00 when the doctor saw that my water had broken and made the call to do a c-section right away.  At pretty much that exact moment, Mom and Dad arrived from Shepherd and walked into the room while about six doctors and nurses started preparing Chris and I for surgery.  It was a complete whirlwind – the resident doctor explained all the risks of the operation and I had to sign consent forms for things I don’t even remember, Chris was getting dressed in scrubs, the other nurses were literally running in and out of the room, and I started crying.  It was just everything, all at once – I was starving, thirsty, exhausted, having strong contractions, signing papers with shaking hands, looking at my mom who just walked in and Chris who they had swept away to get ready and then they took me to the operating room leaving everyone else behind.  If it wasn’t for one fantastic nurse and the resident doctor I would have probably been a complete wreck, but while everyone else scrambled to get ready, they held my hand and rubbed my back, explaining what everyone was doing in such a calm manner.  My body was shaking so badly and they stayed with me, literally supporting me while I got the epidural and let go only after Chris was allowed to come in.  I believe that those two women are truly living their vocation – they were such a comfort to me in that time when I could have completely lost it without Chris.

At 7:29 Brenna was born and we heard her little cry.  We couldn’t see her, but hearing her was comforting.  Before she was taken to the nursery we got to see her briefly and give her kisses, but I was still being stitched up and neither of us could hold her.  After the operation I was taken to a room where I had to stay for an hour but Chris was able to go to the nursery to see our new baby girl.  By that time the Leikerts had all arrived and everyone took a turn staying with me in the post-op room, showing me pictures of Brenna. 

I didn’t get to see Brenna until about 10:30 that night and just before I was taken to the nursery, I was given a medication to counteract the unbelievable itching caused by the painkiller given after the surgery.  So, the first time I was really able to see my daughter, I was loopy and falling asleep.  We still couldn’t hold her because she was so sensitive to touch and when we did put our hands on her little body she would recoil instantly.  But, we were so happy that she was healthy and needed no assistance other than a heat lamp that nothing else really mattered.  Like I said, I was loopy and falling asleep and when I started feeling woozy I asked to go back to my room and almost immediately threw up when I got there.

The next morning I was able to eat – thank the Lord.  I was in little to no pain and I didn’t really feel like I just had a baby.  I knew in my mind that I had a daughter who was just down the hall, but I didn’t feel like a mother.  I was so jealous that Chris was able to see Brenna whenever he wanted.  Finally, at about noon – almost 18 hours after she was born – I was allowed to go to the nursery to hold her for the first time. 

She was so tiny and soft, holding her skin to skin.  After a minute I started talking to her and as soon as I did, she jerked her head off my chest and looked, wide-eyed, straight at my face.  She did this three times as I cried and said her name and told her I loved her over and over.  When she looked at me like that, I knew she knew who I was and I felt like she had been waiting to see me just like I had been dying to see her.  I will never forget that and the way it made me feel after such a long, stressful process to finally meet my beautiful baby girl. 

Brenna is such a blessing and brings so much joy and purpose to my life, and I feel confident saying she does the same for Chris.  The way she was born was not at all what we had planned, but hey, we got to meet her 4 weeks and 4 days earlier than we thought.  Someone made the comment to me, regarding the whole experience, that I was a brave woman.  I’ll take the compliment, but I don’t know that I had any other option and that Chris would have allowed anything different, for that matter.  Either way, I’m so thankful for my amazing husband who kept me so calm by showing me no sign of his worry, and for the great nurses and doctors who took care of us.  God had a brilliant plan, even if he didn’t clue us in.

One of my favorites from the first few hours after her birth, holding PaPa's finger.